The Mary Sue Attack on Bleach!
by Rynnette Lively
Summary: ON HIATUS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - THE MOTHER OF ALL MARY SUE ATTACKS! THIS TIME, ICHIGO AND HIS FRIENDS MAY NOT MAKE IT OUT ALIIIIIVVVE! -ahem- This is a collaborated story, so it will be fun! :D
1. Chapter 1

Author Commentary:

R. Lively: This bit of nonsensical crack was cooked up by myself but I could not have come up with enough ideas if it weren't for my co-conspirator Jade.

Jade LaBeouf: Yay!

R. Lively: Indeed.

Jade LaBeouf: Mary Sues are the devil! And this proves it!

The Mary Sue Attack on Bleach!

Collaborated by

Rynnette Lively and Jade LeBeouf

Prologue

Thousands of years ago, shortly after the invention of the Internet, a foul being was born. Such a being was rumored to bring down society if left unattended, but many underestimated the sheer level of power it possessed. So, as the centuries passed, this being and its kind grew in number and power. Soon, it was too late to stop them…

Chapter 1

Disappearance! Invasion of Soul Society!

It was a breezy and relaxing day in Seireitei, leaving none to suspect something dangerous was approaching. Kurosaki Ichigo and his companions had departed the Spirit World the previous day and peace was steadily returning the realm of souls to its normal state.

Outside the Squad 4 barracks, one Yamada Hanatarou was sweeping the dust from the stone walkways. The sun beat down on the poor Squad 4 member, making him drowsy and prone to heatstroke.

"Ah, I hope Ichigo-san and his friends made it back home alright." He wondered, wiping the sweat from his brow. He started sweeping again, sighing softly.

"This is going to take awhile. I wish someone would help me." He moped. Suddenly, a cheerful voice sounded behind him.

"I can help you!" A girl said to him. He turned to look at her.

"Oh thank you so much! I—" He started, then things blackened and he lost consciousness.

oOo

Several hours later, Squad 6 Captain Kuchiki Byakuya was walking amongst the tranquility of the cherry trees. The petals slowly swirled around the law-abiding captain, leading some to believe he was using his Senbonzakura. As he walked, Captain Unohana of Squad 4 approached him.

"Ah, Kuchiki-taichou, good morning to you." She said politely. Byakuya nodded a reply to her.

"Good morning Unohana-taichou." He replied, continuing to walk.

"Have you seen Squad 4, seventh seat Yamada Hanatarou? I can't seem to find him." She asked.

"Forgive me but I have not." He answered stoically. She sighed.

"Ah well, please inform me if you see him, Kuchiki-taichou." She asked. He nodded and she left his presence. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shape hiding behind one of the trees. At first glance, he thought it to be Rukia, but then the shape peered from behind the tree again, making his eyes widen.

"Hisana?" He whispered to the air, changing his direction and striding toward the trees. He followed what appeared to be his deceased wife, disappearing into the trees to follow. Finally, he caught her, spinning her around to look at her. Then his eyes widened.

"You! You're not Hisana! You're a—" He started, but his sight blurred and he started to fall.

oOo

It did not take long for the other members of the Gotei 13 to notice a prominent captain had disappeared. The lieutenant of Squad 6, Abarai Renji, searched frantically for his captain with Kuchiki Rukia. Captain Unohana reported having seen Kuchiki Byakuya walking near the cherry trees outside of the Squad 6 barracks. Without a moment's hesitation, Renji and Rukia raced to the scene of the disappearance. For over an hour, they searched for clues with other members of Squad 6. Finally, tempers rose and Renji let out an irritated yell.

"Dammit! Where the hell did Kuchiki-taichou go!?" He roared, punching a tree in fury. Rukia touched his arm, trying to reassure him.

"Calm down Renji, I'm just as worried about Nii-sama as you…" She murmured. He looked at her.

"I'm not worried about him! He just better not be dead or I won't be able to beat him and prove that I'm stronger!" He thundered. Rukia stared at him in disbelief, and then punched him, sending him reeling.

"Stupid Renji! I hate you!" She cried, leaving his side to search another section of the courtyard, disappearing from his sight. Feeling guilty for not considering her feelings, he started after her, but something tugged on his sleeve.

"Wait! I know where he is!" A voice said. Renji looked at her.

"Huh? Who're you?" He asked gruffly, having never seen the girl before. She giggled wildly, an air of unhealthy cheerfulness to her.

"I'm a member of Squad 6, just like you!" She explained. He stared at her.

"Eh? I've never seen you before…" He commented. She continued smiling, but a gleam of malice was in her ridiculously blue eyes.

"Follow me! I know where Captain Kuchiki is!" She exclaimed, dragging Renji with her.

"Ah! Wait! Shouldn't we have someone come with us?" He asked. She gripped his wrist tighter.

"No time! Hurry!" She squealed. Renji could feel something disturbingly wrong about the girl. He tried to pull his wrist away, but she had him in an iron-grip. She looked back at him, her inhumanly blue eyes burning.

"What's the matter? Don't you trust me?" She asked, her voice speaking with an eerie tone. Renji tried to call out for help, but his vision blackened and he could no longer speak.

oOo

Inside the Squad 13 barracks the two third seats squad members Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsueaki Sentaro were briefing Captain Ukitake Jushiro on the recent disappearances of Kuchiki Byakuya, Yamada Hanatarou, and now Abarai Renji. Ukitake's brows furrowed as he listened to their reports at his bedside.

"Hmm, I wonder if this could be the work of former captain of Squad 5, Aizen Sosuke." He pondered. Sentaro perked up immediately.

"I agree with you completely taichou! It must be Aizen! It—" He started, but was interrupted by Kiyone.

"I agree with you more Ukitake-taichou! It has to be Aizen!" She exclaimed. Sentaro glared at the woman.

"You're only saying that because I said it!" He thundered. She glowered at him.

"Am not! I was thinking of it before you even said it!" She argued. Ukitake remained oblivious to the two third seats' arguing, continuing to think of who would want to kidnap a captain, a lieutenant, and a low ranking squad member. The door slid open with a clack suddenly, a member of Squad 6 appearing.

"Ukitake-taichou! Clues were found that might be able to tell us where Kuchiki-taichou, Abarai, and Yamada disappeared to!" He explained quickly. Ukitake looked at the two third seat members.

"Go quickly and search with them, come back to me in an hour with a report!" He ordered. They straightened quickly, saluting their captain.

"Hai taichou!" They exclaimed, following the Squad 6 member. Kiyone stopped for a moment and poked her head back to look at Ukitake.

"Unohana-taichou will be coming by shortly to look after you taichou!" She told him, then ran off again. Ukitake sighed and laid back on the futon, having nothing to do but wait.

Minutes later, the door slid open again, soft footsteps coming toward his room. He sat up, looking toward the source.

"Unohana-taichou? I was told you'd be coming by to take care of me." He said cheerfully. The door slid open and his eyes widened.

"What? You're not Unohana-taichou. Who are—" He tried to say, but in a flash the woman was at his side, a needle stabbing into his arm. A gasp of pain escaped him, unconsciousness clouding his mind. The needle slid out of his arm.

"Don't you worry at all…I'm going to make you better now…" An eerily soothing voice whispered.

oOo

Outside the Squad 8 barracks, Captain Kyouraku Shunsui was enjoying a cup of sake while lying in the sunshine. Word had traveled quickly around Seireitei about the disappearances and he should have been helping, but nothing seemed to bother him too terribly about the disappearances yet. His lieutenant, Ise Nanao, appeared by his side, a book tucked under her arm as usual.

"Kyouraku-taichou! Why aren't you helping the search parties!" She grumbled. He pulled his hat over his eyes.

"They'll turn up soon, don't worry about it. It's only three people that have disappeared." He said lazily. Her eyes narrowed.

"Apparently you weren't told."

"Told what?" He asked playfully.

"Captain Ukitake Jushiro is missing too." She said, fixing her glasses. His eyes widened and he was on his feet in a flash.

"What!? Form a search party quickly!" He ordered, already drawing his zanpakutou. She sighed.

"We already have! Taichou! Slow down!" She yelled, following him. Nanao tried to keep up with her over-enthusiastic captain but he turned a corner and was soon out of sight. He trotted from the Squad 8 barracks quickly, a look of determination on his face. Then he realized he did not know where to go.

"Nanao-chan! Where do I go?" He asked, turning to look at her. He stared at her for a moment then scratched his head.

"Maybe I've drank too much, but when did you dye your hair blonde?" He asked, confused. The woman smiled, taking his arm.

"Hurry! We have to find Captain Ukitake!" She explained, tugging him along. He followed with little resistance. Then remembered that his lieutenant never made physical contact with him unless she was hitting him.

"Wait a minute, this isn't right…" He started. The woman turned to face him and grabbed his face, kissing him roughly. He made a noise of protest before an odd, dizzy feeling overcame him. His eyes closed slowly as his mind faded to blackness.

oOo

Word that three captains and a lieutenant had disappeared was now spreading like wild fire all over Seireitei. No one seemed to care that a member of Squad 4 had disappeared. Captain of Squad 11, Zaraki Kenpachi, paid little notice to the news of the disappearances. His lieutenant, Kusajishi Yachiru, seemed to pay little mind as well. Third seat Mandarame Ikkaku and Fifth seat Ayasagawa Yumichika seemed mildly bothered by the news.

"Who cares if a member of Squad 4 goes missing, it's the disappearing captains that's makin' me wonder." Ikkaku commented. Yumichika fluffed his hair.

"It's worrisome that whomever is doing this is kidnapping someone as beautiful as Kuchiki-taichou. It worries me that they'll come after the most beautiful person in Seireitei." He said anxiously. Kenpachi snorted derisively.

"It doesn't matter to me who's behind it. They're weak. I can't even feel their spiritual pressure." He growled. Yachiru appeared at his shoulder.

"But Ken-chan can't sense spiritual pressure anyway!" She exclaimed, oblivious to her blatant honesty. Ikkaku and Yumichika looked tensely at their captain, afraid he would fly off the handle. He only grinned frighteningly.

"Hm, well if they decide to ever show themselves I'll kill them easily." He bellowed dangerously. Ikkaku and Yumichika let out a careful sigh of relief. Suddenly, a voice yelled a message inside the Squad 11 barracks.

"Captain Zaraki! Ichigo Kurosaki has appeared in Rukongai!" The voice called out. In a flash, Kenpachi was standing, Yachiru tumbling off his back.

"Ichigo, eh? Time to settle the score once and for all!" He thundered, a demonic smile on his face. Ikkaku and Yumichika dove out of their captain's path as he shot past them out the doors. Yachiru tried to follow after her captain.

"Ken-chan! Wait for me!" She cried, but he was gone in an instant. Ikkaku and Yumichika poked their heads out the door to search for their captain.

"Damn, he really wants to kill Ichigo, huh?" Ikkaku commented. Yumichika straightened his hair carefully.

"The captain always makes such an ugly exit when he wants to kill something." He quipped. Yachiru looked worried.

"That's weird. I can't feel Ken-chan's spiritual pressure anymore." She pointed out. Ikkaku and Yumichika noticed the strange disappearance as well.

"That's not right, you can always sense the captain's pressure." Ikkaku hissed tensely. Yumichika looked at the sky overhead.

"I sense something ugly is behind this…" He murmured.

oOo

Meanwhile in Hueco Mundo, Ichimaru Gin was adjusting to life in Las Noches. A sigh slid out of him.

"I really don' wanna go to Aizen-sama's tea party. Damn, that guy likes his tea." He muttered, looking out a window over the desert scenery. He allowed himself to think about those he had known before he had left with Aizen and Tosen.

"Hm, wonder how Izuru's doin'." He pondered. Then he thought about Matsumoto.

"I'm startin' to miss Rangiku…" He pouted. A knock sounded on his door, making him turn and look toward it with surprise.

"Hullo? That you Tosen?" He asked, opening the door. Suddenly, he was embraced forcefully, a squeal sounding in the air from his captor.

"Ah! The hell!?" He protested, looking at his assailant. His eyes opened wide, his smile disappearing.

"Rangiku!?" He gasped. The woman grinned.

"Nope! Better than her!" She exclaimed. He tried to push the imposter away, but then a black bag covered his head, and a sharp pain stabbed into his arm. He tried to fight off the woman, but soon fell unconscious. The woman held him close, grinning madly.

"I'm much better…my breasts are bigger than hers…" She cooed insanely, a mad gleam in her eyes.

oOo

Back in Seireitei, a total of five captains had disappeared, making the citizens frantic and out of control. Chaos ensued as fear gripped the general public. Squad 10 Captain Hitsugaya Toushiro felt it now his duty to restore peace. Following clues from the scenes of the disappearances and talking to several members of the squads who had lost captains, Hitsugaya could not figure out what had taken the missing persons. He had sent his lieutenant out to search for any other possible clues and had not seen her since. He made one last sweep of the crime scenes but turned up only a theory.

"Hmm, according to Unohana-taichou, Yamada Hanatarou was working outside the Squad 4 barracks when he disappeared without a trace. Kuchiki-taichou had been walking near the Squad 6 barracks when something made him dart off into the trees. He then disappeared, followed by Abarai Renji, who had been part of a search party with Kuchiki Rukia. Then Ukitake-taichou disappeared from his bed after two of his squad members had spoken to him. When word spread that he had disappeared, Kyouraku-taichou quickly joined the search specifically for Ukitake-taichou. Lieutenant Ise said he disappeared as soon as he was out of her sight. Then finally, Zaraki-taichou disappeared after a message was given to him, saying Kurosaki Ichigo had appeared in Rukongai. Hmm…this is peculiar. Who could be doing this?" He wondered, his eyebrows furrowing as he thought hard. He suspected Aizen might have had something to do with it, but it seemed unlikely he would make a move so soon after his betrayal. He also noted that the only victims had been men. His thoughts were interrupted when a member of Squad 10 appeared and ran toward him.

"Excuse me Hitsugaya-taichou, but I thought I'd come and tell you this personally." The squad member said between breaths. Hitsugaya raised an eyebrow.

"What is it? Has another captain disappeared?" He asked quickly. The boy shook his head.

"No, no, it's not that. I just, uh…" He looked away from the captain, scratching the back of his head, "I saw Hinamori-san of Squad 5 near the Squad 5 barracks."

Hitsugaya's eyes widened.

"Momo's awake?!" He exclaimed. He disappeared from the squad member and hastily made his way to the Squad 5 barracks. Finding them, he looked around for Momo, seeing nothing. Then he heard a faint sound. Finding former Squad 5 Captain Aizen's room, he opened the door to find Momo crying softly, half concealed by the shadows.

"Momo! What are you doing?! You're supposed to be recovering from your wounds!" He thundered. She turned to look at him, her eyes full of tears. He paused a moment, something not quite right.

"Wait, you're not Momo!" He snapped, drawing his sword. She was on him in a flash, her lips kissing his cheek.

"Wha?! What the—?!" He yelled, trying to push her off. His grip slackened on his sword as an overwhelming need to sleep was imbued into his mind. The girl smiled down at him, her eyes glowing frighteningly.

oOo

Things had become bleak for Soul Society, valued members having disappeared without a trace. Unbeknownst to the inhabitants, the evil was only just beginning, its list of victims needing to be completed elsewhere…

To be continued...

Author Commentary:

R. Lively: Wasn't that fun?

Jade LaBeouf: Wheeeeee:3

R. Lively: Indeed.

Ichigo: What about a preview?

R. Lively: ...Do we have space for that?

Jade LaBeouf: 30 SECOND PREVIEW BLOCK! NEXT TIME! THINGS LOOK BAD FOR SOUL SOCIETY BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE REST?! WILL THE HUMAN WORLD BE TARGETED NEXT?! ICHIGO BETTER WATCH HIS BACK!

Ichigo: Wha? Hey! I'm right here!

R. Lively: Next time! Attack on the Living World! The Mysterious Evil Continues!

Authors: ON BLEACH!!

Ichigo: ...


	2. Chapter 2

Author Commentary:

R. Lively: Wooooo! Chapter 2!!!

J. LaBeouf:D

R. Lively: Yes, it is very :D.

PREVIOUSLY (In case you forgot) VALUED MEMBERS OF SOUL SOCIETY DISAPPEARED WITH INTENSE MYSTERY SURROUNDING THEM! WHAT KIND OF DIABOLICAL EVIL WOULD DO THIS?!?!?!?! IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE TITLE OF THE STORY AND CAN'T FIGURE OUT, THEN YOU'RE AN IDIOT!

Chapter 2

Attack of the Living World! The Mysterious Evil Continues!

For Kurosaki Ichigo and his friends, life was returning to normal after the debacle in Soul Society involving Rukia's rescue and Aizen's betrayal. School resumed for the four students and it was nice that their lives were no longer in any mortal peril. Or so it seemed…

"Kurosaki-kun! Look what I made!" Inoue Orihime exclaimed. Ichigo stared at the awkward box of mystery.

"Uhh, what is that?" He asked, careful to not hurt her feelings. She smiled brightly.

"It's a victory cake! I combined everyone's favorite snacks into one! Now we can all enjoy everything we like! I made some for everyone!" She giggled, intense pride shining on her face. Ichigo stared at the mess of food, the smell making his stomach churn nauseatingly.

"Th-that's great Inoue, but, uh, I already brought a lunch and Yuzu would be sad if I didn't eat it." He lied. She pouted for a second, but then she smiled cheerfully again.

"Mmkay! More for me!" She said happily, digging into the mess of colors. Ichigo held back the urge to vomit, the smell overpowering.

"Y-yeah, you go for it…" He muttered, trying not to breathe.

"What a rude guy, Ichigo. Inoue-san worked hard to make something special and you won't even try it. For shame." Ishida Uryū commented, straightening his glasses. Ichigo glared at the Quincy.

"You haven't tried any of it either!" He snapped.

"I'm full." He answered simply.

"Liar! You haven't even opened your bento!" Ichigo thundered, pointing an accusing finger at the small box in front of Uryū

"I had a big breakfast." He lied again. In a flash, Ichigo was standing.

"You damn liar!" He accused.

"It's not a lie, I am simply not hungry." Uryū answered again. The second he had finished his sentence, his stomach let out a long, low growl. A silence hung over the group. Ichigo's finger was still pointed at him, shaking with irritation. Uryū stared at him indignantly. The fight was imminent. A second passed, then Ichigo grabbed Uryū, his arm locked around his neck. He snatched the box from in front of Orihime, holding it under the Quincy's nose.

"Eat it liar!" He roared. Uryū struggled with the substitute shinigami frantically.

"I said I'm not hungry!" He yelled, trying to pry away Ichigo's arm. Orihime seemed oblivious to fight taking place in front of her.

"Hmm, I wonder where Sado-kun is…" She pondered, looking at the sky. The two boys stopped fighting for a moment, looking at her.

"Hey you're right Inoue, doesn't he usually sit up here with us?" Ichigo commented, his arm still tight around Uryū's neck. Uryū straightened his glasses again.

"I heard he left early. Something about not feeling too well." The Quincy told them, then coughed slightly, "By the way, Kurosaki, I can't breathe!" He snapped.

oOo

Meanwhile, the subject of Ichigo and his two friends' conversation was walking home from the school, a slight headache bothering him. It had become unusually warm in Karakura, the weather usually balmy instead of stifling. Yasutora Sado continued walking; thinking about the previous adventure he and his friends had been part of. He started to wonder how Kuchiki Rukia was doing when suddenly a young girl appeared in front of him. She was wearing a rather festive flamenco dress, making him stare at her awkwardly. She stared at him with a look that he assumed was meant to be seductive, but it seemed overdone and rather disturbing. Then, without warning, she began dancing.

"Doesn't this heat make you just want to jump up and dance!" She exclaimed, doing a dizzying spin, the nauseatingly bright colors of her dress making his headache worse.

"Not really." He answered. He started to walk past her when she grabbed his arm.

"Wait! I'm Mexican too! I had to transfer to Japan after my grandmother died! Don't you find that interesting!?" She cried desperately.

"I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm not feeling well. Have a nice day." He explained, pulling his hand away and continuing to walk away from the strange girl.

"But! Wait! I'm a fantastic singer! I can sing in your band!" She called to him. He paused, and then looked at her.

"How do you know I'm in a band? We haven't done enough shows to make us popular." He asked skeptically. She slowly started to approach him, her eyes burning into him.

"I know a lot of things about you…For instance, I know your nickname is Chad!" She exclaimed, as if this statement made perfect sense. He stared at her.

"Uh, what?" He asked, confused. She flew at him.

"We'll talk more later!" She squealed, stabbing a needle into his shoulder, "Now it's sleepy time!"

Sado let out a grunt of pain, but soon felt his mind drift away into unconsciousness.

oOo

"Ugh, I think I have bruises on my neck now! Such barbarianism!" Uryū complained, rubbing his neck. He heard footsteps running toward him from behind, making him turn to look at whom they belonged to. It was Orihime, a worried expression on her usually cheerful face.

"Ishida-kun! It's terrible! Just terrible!" She cried, stopping in front of him, gasping for breath. Uryū looked at her puzzled.

"What? What is it Inoue-san?" He asked anxiously.

"Well, I was walking home the other day and I remembered that Sado-kun didn't get to eat any of my victory cake! So I went by his house to give him some but he wasn't there!" She explained. Uryū stared at her.

"He probably was out somewhere, you shouldn't worry. I'm sure he made it home alright." He explained rationally.

"But I stayed by the door until three thirty in the morning and he still didn't come home!" She whined. He stared at her again, this time in disbelief and shock.

"Wha?! What were you thinking?! Go home this instant and rest!" He ordered.

"But I just got here! And I didn't even have to change!" She said, trying to sound logical. He turned her and pushed toward the direction of her home.

"Go home this instant! I'll have an excuse made for you!" He insisted. Orihime pouted for a moment, but listened and started the long walk home. She suddenly turned, waving at him madly.

"Tell Kurosaki-kun for me that Sado-kun was kidnapped!" She smiled.

_She seems so happy about it_…he thought to himself, waving back awkwardly.

oOo

"Eh? Chado-kun disappeared?" Ichigo asked, not quite sure whether they could believe Orihime or not. Uryū raised a finger.

"I propose we go and see him after school." He decided.

"For once, I agree with you." Ichigo answered, looking away. Uryū detected sarcasm in the substitute shinigami's voice.

"And what is _that_ supposed to mean?" He snapped. Ichigo ignored the irate Quincy, but then a female classmate interrupted their conversation.

"Excuse me Ishida-kun, but I was told to give you this." She said meekly, handing him a small piece of paper. Uryū looked surprised, but took the note, thanking the girl. He opened it carefully, reading its contents, his eyes widening as he continued down the page. Abruptly, he stood and dashed out of the classroom. Ichigo looked surprised, wondering what could have disturbed Uryū from his usually calm manner. He stood quickly and followed him, trying to find out what had made him leave in such a hurry. As he followed, he managed to glimpse Uryū long enough before he disappeared from sight. Soon, he found the Quincy running towards the roof of the school. He kicked open the door in time to see a pale, aqua-haired girl embrace what appeared to be an unconscious Uryū. For a moment, Ichigo was not sure what to do.

"Eh…Hey! What are you doing?!" He thundered. The girl looked up at him with alarm and suddenly turned, heading for the edge of the roof. Ichigo let out a yell, dashing after the girl to stop her from jumping, but she was over the edge and out of sight before he was close enough. He looked over the edge bracingly, waiting to see a bloody mess on the ground, but there was nothing. Frantically, he looked from side to side, trying to find some sign of the vanishing girl. A small flapping noise drew his attention to his shoe. A small piece of paper clung to his heel. He recognized it as the note Uryū had received moments before. Snatching it up, he read through it quickly, but was not sure what to make of it.

"What the hell is this? What does it mean?" He puzzled angrily, and then he remembered what Orihime had told Uryū about Sado's disappearance.

"What the hell is going on?" He wondered, and then realized that there was one place where he could get answers.

oOo

"Welcome Kurosaki-san! Back so soon?" The disheveled but cheerful owner of the Urahara shop smiled, his fan flipped open. Ichigo shoved the note in his face, making the owner lean back a bit.

"What does this mean?!" Ichigo demanded.

"Oh? Down to business already? You don't want any tea first?" He attempted, reading the note anyway. Ichigo continued glaring.

"No! What's this mean!?" He snapped. Urahara was silent for a moment, continuing to study the note.

"Hmm… 'I can help you regain what you have lost. I am the same as you.' Hmm, well first off, whomever wrote this spelled 'regain' wrong." He commented.

"I'm serious!" Ichigo roared.

"Me too! Spelling errors are bad!" Urahara replied, "How can you get by in life if you can't spell properly?"

Ichigo restrained himself from attacking the owner.

"What. Does. It. Mean!" Ichigo demanded again, his eyes menacing.

He was quiet for a moment, but then decided to humor the substitute shinigami.

"Alright, alright. Come inside and I'll figure this out for you." He offered, moving from the doorway to let Ichigo inside. Ichigo plopped down at the table near the back of the shop, an angry vein pulsing in his forehead.

"Hurry up and tell me what the damn note means." Ichigo snapped again. Urahara slowly read through the note, a look of serious thought in his eyes.

"I have no idea!" He answered, a large smile plastered on his face. The table went flying, just inches away from knocking Urahara off his feet.

"Godammit! Tell me what it means you son of a bitch!" Ichigo thundered, another five angry veins appearing in his forehead. Urahara decided not to annoy him any longer, seeing as how furniture was now being destroyed or becoming dangerously close to being attached to his body.

"Hmm…where exactly did this note come from?" He asked.

"A classmate gave it to Uryū and he took off. Then something weird happened." Ichigo explained.

"And then?" Urahara urged, listening intently. Ichigo scratched the back of his head, the events unfolding in his head again.

"Some girl was up there. She had Uryū and then jumped off the building when I yelled at her. I can't figure out why she'd do that."

"Well, you are very scary looking guy." Urahara commented, the remark earning him a cup to the face. He recovered slowly, a line of blood running down his forehead.

"But like I was saying," he continued, his smile faltering, "what happened after that?"

"I looked to see if there was a body, but she just disappeared along with Uryū. I found the note and figured you might know what was going on." Ichigo explained. Urahara's smile returned.

"I'm glad you think so highly of me! However," he started, quickly blocking a flying teapot from making contact with his face with his fan, "I'm not sure what to tell you."

"Uryū also told me that Inoue-san told him that Chado-kun had disappeared." Ichigo told him. Urahara was silent for a moment, snapping his fan shut.

"This is peculiar…" He muttered to himself, thinking. Ichigo raised an eyebrow.

"Why's that?" He asked. A very serious look of concern was on the shop owner's face.

"Soul Society has been experiencing strange events like what you've told me. A total of five captains, a lieutenant, and a lower class squad member have disappeared with very few clues to go on." He explained. Ichigo looked at him stunned.

"What?! Are you serious?!"

"It looks like whatever was committing the kidnappings in Soul Society is starting to extend its reach to the Living World. What I find most unusual about these disappearances is that only men have been victimized." He noted, thinking of all the possible culprits. He suddenly went quiet, a stony silence hanging between them. Ichigo looked at him anxiously.

"What is it? Do you know what could be doing it?" He asked tensely. Urahara looked at him, his eyes dangerous.

"I'm not certain, but it could be—" He started, but then something caught the corner of his eye. He leapt up suddenly, an enormous grin on his face.

"Yoruichi-san has come home!" He sang joyously, his arms spread, "Quickly! Break out the milk for her!"

Ichigo was barely able to dodge the overzealous shopkeeper as he jumped over the remains of the table and headed out the door.

"Hey! You didn't finish!" Ichigo shouted, watching the silhouette of Urahara disappear to follow the feline shadow. A long pause followed. The silence was unsettling; normally all nearby heard Urahara's shouts and praises of his feline companion. Ichigo opened the door, looking out to see why it was so quiet. A breeze stirred the air, but there was no sign of Urahara.

"Urahara-san? Hello?" Ichigo looked about, desperately searching for any sign of him. The breeze stirred again, stronger this time, blowing something against his feet. Looking down, he stared in utter horror at the object brushing his feet. It was Urahara's hat. Ichigo started to tremble from fear.

"Are you starting to understand now, my lovely strawberry?" A voice asked sweetly. Ichigo's head snapped up, staring at the owner of the voice. She held out a hand to him.

"Everyone's going to a better place…to become a better person…" She told him, her emerald eyes boring into him as if they could see into his very soul, "Don't you want that too…?"

"Wh-who are you!? What are you?! Where are the others?!" He demanded, sweat sliding down his temples from abject fear. She only smiled that sickeningly sweet smile.

"I can show them to you…all you have to do is take my hand…" She commanded him gently. He had not noticed, but she was suddenly in front of him, her hand brushing his cheek lovingly, "…and be mine…"

Ichigo tried to yell, but suddenly, his vision hazed and blurred, his mind overwhelmingly dizzy.

"No…" He murmured, fainting slowly, the girl catching him, a wicked smile on her face. She stroked his hair gently.

"Soon, my little Ichi-chan…soon…"

To be continued...

Author Commentary:

R. Lively: Creepy, ne?

Ichigo: WTF?!

J. LaBeouf: You're not supposed to be here!

R. Lively: Preview?

J. LaBeouf: Yosh! -ahem- ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF BLEACH!! WITH THE DISAPPEARANCES INCREASING, HELP IS SENT FROM AFAR!! AND WHAT'S THIS? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THOSE THAT HAVE DISAPPEARED THAT HAVE NOW REAPPEARED?! BE CONFUSED!!!

Ichigo: ...I'm already confused...

R. Lively: YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! -boots him out-


	3. Chapter 3

Author Commentary

R. Lively: Tee hee, this chapter was way too much fun.

J. LaBeouf: Poor poor Izuru...

Chapter 3

The Evil Revealed! The Dreaded Mary Sue!

Thousands of miles away, thousands of devoted fanfiction writers were busy typing away at their keyboards. Suddenly, an alarm sounded throughout the facility, making many jump up in alarm.

"Oh my God! It's a Code Sue, Level 1!" A voice shouted. Mass panic broke out over the writers, some fainting and other crying hopelessly.

"A Level 1! That's impossible! We've never had something so serious in almost a century!" Another voice cried. Chaos ensued as writers began panicking and screaming, but through the hysteria, a voice boomed over the writers, making them silent.

"SILENCE!" The voice thundered. The writers immediately stopped, looking toward their administrator for guidance. He cleared his throat, sitting back in his chair.

"It would seem a rebellious group of Mary Sues have gone so far as to completely invade and alter the fanfiction world of a beloved anime." He explained. A timid voice interrupted.

"But why!? Why would they do such a thing!?" The voice sobbed. The administrator's brow furrowed, deep in thought.

"The only thing that would cause such madness is a fangirl and her rabid cult who have become so enamored by the bishieness of this anime that they would go to such an extent as a full blown invasion."

"You mean _that_ group?!" A voice cried out.

"Yes, that group." He bellowed. Several more writers fainted or screamed.

"My sister is in that group!" One wailed, agonized sobs escaping her.

"There is only one thing that can be done. We must send out two of our top writers to take control of this situation before the consequences become catastrophic!" He declared. Shocked gasps and more fainting along with cheers of approval rippled throughout the room.

"SEND THEM IN!" He ordered, pointing a finger at the door dramatically. There was a long pause. Some writers whispered to each other. Finally one spoke up.

"Did anyone tell them we were meeting today?"

The administrator slapped a hand to his forehead.

"Goddammit." He muttered.

oOo

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…

"Dude, I just wrote something stupid."

"Lulz, can I read it?"

"Heh heh, sure."

A small beeping noise sounded, then a screen popped up.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU TWO!?" The administrator roared, making the two writers fall over from the force of his yell.

"Eh? Wha?" One moaned, a computer mouse wedged in her ear.

"'Choo talkin' bout, boss?" The other asked. The administrator roared again, sending the writers flying again.

"GET THE F--K BACK HERE NOW! WE HAVE A CODE SUE, LEVEL 1!" He demanded, the screen then blinking off. The writers looked at each other.

"Dude, I didn't know it censored language. Heh heh, that's cool."

"Heh heh, totally."

A pause hung in the air.

"OH SNAP! A CODE SUE, LEVEL 1!" They exclaimed in unison.

oOo

Meanwhile, in Soul Society, a week had passed since the disappearances and the Shinigami Women's Association had decided to call a meeting. There was no order as the women talked over each other, concerned over the disappearances.

"I'm worried about Ken-chan! He could be lost!" Yachiru cried hopelessly. Nanao patted her shoulder.

"There, there, President. I'm sure we all are worried." Nanao then looked at the end of the table, seeing Izuru.

"Why are you here?" She snapped. He looked uncomfortable.

"Matsumoto-san brought me, I'm worried too." He murmured. Matsumoto looked serious.

"I figured that if we keep at least one guy with us, we can monitor him and see if he disappears." She explained. Izuru looked horrified.

"What?!"

"Then if he does, we might know who's behind it!" She concluded happily. Izuru looked despondent. Nanao ignored her, looking at the rest of the females.

"We have received intelligence from the Living World from Yoruichi-san that disappearances have occurred there as well. She reported that a total of four men disappeared without a trace: Kurosaki Ichigo, Yasutora Sado, Ishida Uryū, and Urahara Kisuke."

The women stared at her in shock. Rukia looked devastated.

"This can't be happening, who would do such a thing?!" She demanded, tears in her eyes. Nanao sighed.

"I don't know, but there's not much we can do for now. Let's just adjourn the meeting and hope for the best." She sighed. Yachiru was inconsolable and clung to Nanao.

"Waaaah! Where's Ken-chan!?" She wailed. Nanao tried to comfort the small shinigami but to no avail.

As everyone started out the door, there was a sudden surge of such immense spiritual pressure it shook all of Seireitei.

_Wh-what is this…!?_ Rukia gasped, falling to her knees from the immense pressure. Matsumoto and Izuru paused, trying to withstand the overwhelming force.

_What is this…?! It feels like someone's spiritual pressure, but it feels…flowery…?_ Izuru thought, puzzled. As soon as it had started, it stopped. The group looked around confused. Izuru saw a squad member walk casually by. He grabbed his sleeve, pulling him back.

"What was that? Did you feel that?" He asked anxiously. The man looked confused.

"What are you talking about?" He answered politely. Izuru was about to question him again when Hisagi Shuhei of Squad 9 appeared.

"Lieutenant Isai-san!"

"Is everything okay? There was this sudden wave of spiritual pressure!" Hisagi exclaimed, looking over the group to survey the damage. The women all looked at each other.

"We all felt it, but I'm not sure that everyone else did." Unohana Retsu observed. Confusion rippled over the group until Ikkaku and Yumichika of Squad 11 appeared.

"Lieutenant! Zaraki-taichou has returned!" They announced. A great shining joy bloomed over Yachiru's face, her eyes shining.

"Ken-chan is back!" She squealed, leaping through the air. Ikkaku's hand stretched out and caught her in mid air by the collar.

"Wait! Something's not right about the captain…" He started, looking away from Yachiru.

"What? What's wrong with Ken-chan?" She asked, still smiling. Yumichika interjected.

"That's not all. All of the missing persons have reappeared but no one seems to have noticed. It's very odd." He explained, straightening an eyebrow.

"That's not even the half of it!" Hisagi continued, "Ichimaru Gin has returned as well!"

A look of pure shock passed over each member's faces.

"Taichou…?" Izuru murmured. He took off from the group at a sprint.

"Kira! Wait!" Matsumoto shouted after him, but he was gone.

"Follow him! We don't know what might happen!" Nanao ordered. Half the group took off after him. Yachiru started for the Squad 11 barracks, desperate to see her captain. Ikkaku and Yumichika raced after her.

"Lieutenant!" They yelled in unison.

Izuru continued sprinting faster, desperate for the truth. He turned a corner but stopped, his eyes widening. A group of the oddest looking girls he had ever seen stood before him, as if looking for something. Then one spotted him and let out an ungodly squeal.

"Oh my God! It's Izu-chan! Eeeiii!" She shrieked. The mass of girls turned and squealed, racing towards him. Izuru saw his life flash before his eyes.

_Wh-wha…?_ He thought. Then impulse took over and he started to run faster than he had ever run before.

"Taichou! Matsumoto-san! Save me!" He cried, tears coursing down his face. The girls only continued their mad dash for him screaming and squealing.

"Eeii! Rape-bait! He's so kawaii!"

Then, the unthinkable happened, Izuru tripped. It was as if he was seeing the world fall in slow motion. The girls were instantly upon him.

_Is this the end…?_ He wondered hopelessly. Just when he believed he was a goner for certain, a hand reached out to him, pulling him from the massive pile of over-active teenage hormones.

"Hiya Izuru." A familiar impolite voice said.

"T-taichou…?" Izuru looked up at his captain with a mix of shock and gratitude. The girls instantly stopped their wild banter and stared with expectant eyes. Izuru turned to look back at the girls, stepping back from them.

"What are they?" He asked, horrified. Ichimaru grinned.

"They won' harm ya…" He murmured, his arms encircling Izuru, "as long as I'm around."

Izuru stiffened in shock, pulling away from his captain.

"What are you doing?!" He shouted in alarm. Ichimaru kept grinning, reaching for him.

"C'mon, don' ya trust me? I missed ya Izuru…" He hummed, his fingertips brushing Izuru's cheek. Izuru let out a wild scream and ran, his arms flailing in the air.

"Help me! My captain's gone insane!" He screamed. The girls let out a loud noise of disappointment. Ichimaru waved a hand at the girls.

"It's okay there, besides," he turned toward Izuru's retreating form, "it's mo' fun if he runs…"

oOo

Meanwhile, Yumichika and Ikkaku were following their lieutenant when Izuru shot past them, screaming madly. They stopped, looking after his speed lines and dust trail.

"What the? The hell's gotten into Kira?" Ikkaku wondered. Another form shot past them.

"I'm gonna get ya!" Ichimaru sang, racing after the screaming Izuru. Yumichika and Ikkaku stared after them, eyes wide as saucers.

"Wha…?" Ikkaku started, but a squeal sounded behind them. They turned to see the group of girls staring at them with wide, sparkling eyes.

"Oh my God! It's Iki-chan and Yumi-chan!" They shrieked. A look of disgust crossed Yumichika's perfectly groomed face.

"What are those ugly things?" He muttered. Ikkaku looked horrified.

"No idea, but if any of 'em come near me, I'm gonna kill the shit out of 'em." He snapped. The girls squealed and launched their attack, splitting into two groups. Ikkaku raised his zanpakutou but suddenly, out of nowhere, a figure appeared. A girl with brown hair and scary eyes stood before the girls, blocking them from Ikkaku.

"His beautiful skinhead belongs to ME!" She roared, raising a kendo stick. The girls ignored her warning and continued their squealing assault. She let out a low laugh, and then raised her weapon with a battle cry matching that of a samurai warrior. With one swing, she sent the mass of girls flying, making each explode in a puff of colorful sparkles. She sighed, as a warrior would after a fierce battle, and then looked back at Ikkaku. He was stunned.

"Who the hell are you?" He asked, confused, then pointed an accusing finger, "Don't tell me you're one of them?!"

She smiled suddenly, her face bright and shining.

"I'm Asano Mizuho, your future wife, darling!" She announced proudly. She blew him a kiss, then promptly disappeared. Ikkaku stared for a moment, not quite sure what to do.

Yumichika, on the other hand, had led the group that was chasing him away from his comrade. He then turned to fight.

"I'm done with running! …I just hope they don't touch me." He said worriedly. The girls launched into the air ready to tackle him.

"We'll be as beautiful as you if not prettier too!" They cried in utter joy. He smirked.

"Oh? As beautiful as me?" He muttered. Then spread his arms wide, flipping his hair from side to side.

"No one can be as beautiful as I!" He declared, a bright shining light emanating from him. Blinded by the unimaginable power of his good grooming, they exploded, one by one. His initial attack did not completely wipe out the assault, a few remaining girls lay on the ground, their eyes burning. He began pointing randomly at the remaining girls.

"You! Do you even wash your face?! And you! What ugly split ends! You call those piercings!? And you! Who has baby blue hair?!" He thundered. The girls cried out in pain, exploding into sparkling dust. A silence hung in the air, a breeze blowing the sparkling dust away. Yumichika stood staring for a moment, then flipped his hair while turning away.

"There's only room for one as beautiful as I in this world." He huffed with finality.

oOo

Hisagi Shuhei had broken from the gruop and was running toward the Squad 9 barracks.

_Maybe, since Izuru's captain is back, maybe mine is too…_He thought, but his thoughts were interrupted when he crossed paths with a strange looking woman. She was clad in skintight leather, covering her from head to pointed toes. Her hair was slicked back in a high ponytail and she was wielding a whip. When she saw him, she licked her lips.

"There you are Shu-chan, I've been waiting for you." She smiled seductively, cracking the whip. He looked startled.

"Who are you?" He asked, eyeing the whip nervously.

"Hee hee, I'm Mistress Sakura and you've been a bad boy Shu-chan." She cooed. Hisagi became very nervous, the woman starting toward him.

"Uh, no I haven't, Mistress Whip—I mean Sakura?" He answered, backing away from the whip he was still very focused on.

"Oh yes you have been!" She giggled again, bending the whip, "Look at you, you're just begging to be punished! You even have your collar on and everything!"

"No, really! I'm fine! Thank you!" He faltered, starting to back away faster. She grinned devilishly.

"Oh yes you have! Look at that tattoo! Maybe if you're a good little boy, Momma will let you do it to her!" She crooned. At that statement, Hisagi turned tail and ran for his life. She let out a squeal and chased after him, cracking the whip wildly.

"Come back here you sexy thing!"

"Help me!" He yelped. He raced down an alley, almost colliding with Izuru. They both stared at each other for a split second, and then took off in the same direction.

"What's your problem?!" Hisagi shouted to him.

"My captain is trying to rape me!" Izuru cried, abject fear in his eyes, "And you?!"

"Apparently, I've been a bad boy!" Hisagi yelled as the sound of the whip cracked in the air.

"Iiiizuuruuu! Ya can't run fo'ever!" Ichimaru's voice sang to him. That made Izuru run even faster than before.

"The hell I can!" He cried.

"Don't talk! Run faster!" Hisagi thundered, the whip cracking behind him, the woman squealing in delight.

oOo

The disturbances occurring in Seireitei did not go undetected. It had attracted the attention of the captain of Squad 12 Kurotsuchi Mayuri. He had been monitoring the abnormal presence of spiritual pressure inside one of the laboratories.

"Hmm, all this spiritual pressure is causing quite a fuss for some of the shinigami…such an odd spirit signature, I've never seen the likes of it before…" He pondered to himself, watching the monitor. Then he noticed one of the small dots representing the unusual spiritual presence depart from the rest.

"Ahh, interesting." He noted, seeing it heading straight for the Bureau of Research and Technology. He stood up, drawing his sword.

"One of them is coming straight here, I might as well greet my new test subject." He grinned wickedly. A split second after he finished his sentence, the door opened. The sight he beheld at first stunned him. It appeared to be a woman, a ridiculous looking one at that. She had shockingly white hair, her skin pale and covered with scars, and her eyes black with gold irises. She was dressed in what appeared to be a skintight electric pink nurse uniform. She looked at him with a crazed smile.

"I found you Mayu-chan." She sang eerily. He smiled.

"That you did, come here now." He urged, ushering her towards him. She happily complied.

"Hee hee, you can 'experiment' on me all you want, if you know what I mean." She giggled. He continued smiling, taking the unusual girl's hand.

"And so I shall." He answered. She attempted to embrace him when he pulled her forward, stabbing his sword through her, the point emerging through her back. She gasped, blood dribbling past her lips.

"Foolish girl, I am no bishounen. You should have known better." He said, dragging her toward a table, "And now, to see what makes you work."

oOo

Hisagi and Izuru were coming dangerously close to being caught. Hisagi looked at Izuru, a serious look in his eyes.

"Izuru! You keep running! I'll take care of this woman and then I'll come back for you!" He ordered. Izuru looked worried.

"Don't leave me! Please Isai-san!" He begged.

"Listen to me, I'm older and I know what to do!" He roared. Izuru obeyed, sobbing hysterically. Hisagi turned, dodging Ichimaru who was now singing some rather inappropriate rhyme involving Izuru. The woman saw Hisagi's stance and grinned wickedly.

"Oh?! Ready to be spanked you bad, bad boy?!" She squealed, leaping into the air, raising the whip. He gripped the hilt of his sword tightly, waiting for the right moment.

"It is you who is going to be spanked! You've been a very bad girl!" He thundered, drawing his sword and slashing the woman in two. She screamed and burst into a flurry of red sparkles, covering him and making him cough.

"Ah, now to save Izuru." He turned and darted after the retreating shinigami and his insane stalker.

Izuru was weakening steadily, his lungs burning from trying to stay one step ahead of his insane captain.

"Gettin' tired Izuru? I won' punish ya too much if ya stop now!" Ichimaru assured him. Izuru screamed.

"SOMEONE HELP ME!" He dove through a window, rolling and then standing quickly. He looked back to see if his captain had followed and to his horror, saw him looking in through the window, a wide grin across his face.

"Oh? Looks like I caught ya. That there door is blocked." He chuckled. Izuru looked around in utter fear, realizing there was no way of escape. Ichimaru gripped the sides of the window, ready to leap.

"Tag! Yo' it!" He sang, soaring through the air at Izuru. Izuru let out one final scream, but a loud crack interrupted him. Izuru opened one eye cautiously, trembling madly. Matsumoto was in front of him; her sword still sheathed but it had apparently been used as a bat to knock Ichimaru out of the air. He was lying flat on the floor, out cold. Izuru dropped to his knees, his arms around her waist.

"Thank you Matsumoto-san!" He wept pitifully. She huffed irritably, fluffing her hair.

"He deserved it." She pouted.

"How dare you interfere!" a voice snapped. Both looked around for the source of the voice, their eyes widening.

"What the…?" They said in unison. A woman, looking exactly like Matsumoto except she was tan, had lighter hair, and purple eyes, was glaring at them.

"I'll teach you to interfere!" She shrieked.

To be continued...

Author Commentary

R. Lively: ZOMG! PLOT TWIST!

J. LaBeouf: Aw boo, no more Ichigo to talk to... -points dramatically- LET'S USE THOSE GUYS INSTEAD:D

Hisagi: Huh?

Kira: Wha?

R. Lively: PREVIEW OF INTENSE QUICKNESS! NEXT TIME! THE EVIL DOERS ARE FINALLY REVEALED! HEARTS ARE BROKEN AND GENERAL UNPLEASANTNESS ENSUES!

J. LaBeouf: ZOMG!! EPICNESS!

Kira and Hisagi: ...why are we here again?


End file.
